Looking back, I\u2019m not quite sure why I was so enraged about power grieving then. I was only in my mid-30s\u2014and what did I know about grief? I\u2019d been disappointed plenty of times, I\u2019d had my adolescent heart bruised and pummeled, I\u2019d been depressed. But real grief, profound grief\u2014wrenching and saw-toothed and life-shattering? It was a distant rumor, a flimsy abstraction, something that had never really touched me.<\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.7.7″ _module_preset=”default” background_image=”https:\/\/writersatlarge.com\/riff\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Seniors-walking1280.jpg” background_last_edited=”on|phone” background_size_phone=”cover” background_position_tablet=”center_right” background_position_phone=”bottom_right”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.7.7″ _module_preset=”default”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.7.7″ _module_preset=”default” text_text_color=”#ffffff” background_color=”rgba(51,28,0,0.59)” custom_padding=”5%|5%|5%|5%|false|true” text_text_shadow_style=”preset1″]<\/p>\n But again, that was a long time ago. I was much younger and the horizons were more distant and I could still see them without bifocals. The years passed, merging into decades.<\/p>\n \u00a0Power grieving never really panned out\u2014as I\u2019d loudly predicted\u2014but many of my husband\u2019s other ideas were very successful. His research flourished, focusing on writing about traumatic experiences, then exploring how language reflects personality. He traveled widely, lecturing about his work.<\/p>\n We both worked hard, we succeeded, we failed, we kept going. Our two kids grew up and left home, we became grandparents, all four of our parents died. We no longer launch into frequent, heated, mutually self-righteous arguments, the way we once did.<\/p>\n Somewhere over the years, both of us realized life wasn\u2019t that simple.<\/p>\n Instead, these days, we often elbow each other on city streets when we see versions of our younger selves pushing through crowds, far too confident, too convinced of their own importance. They\u2019ll learn, we murmur to each other, they\u2019ll learn. They\u2019ll grow up the way we finally did.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.7.7″ _module_preset=”default”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.7.7″ _module_preset=”9181a4f4-8165-4927-b052-220ef03f2aa5″ text_text_color=”#ffffff” background_color=”#382800″ custom_margin=”-5%||20%|30%|false|false” custom_padding=”5%|5%|5%|5%|true|true” text_text_shadow_style=”preset1″ border_color_all=”#7a5c52″ border_width_left=”0px” border_color_left=”#dfb758″]\u201cSomewhere over the years, both of us realized life wasn\u2019t that simple..\u201d[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”3.25″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”3.25″ custom_padding=”|||” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text admin_label=”Text” _builder_version=”4.7.7″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat”]<\/p>\n Last week, I got home from a nighttime class to find my husband had lined up four skinny liqueur glasses with amber-colored liquid inside. \u201cI just bought a bunch of new bourbon,\u201d he said excitedly. \u201cWe need to do a blind taste test to see what we both think.\u201d<\/p>\n As a psychologist, he loves blind taste tests. I tolerate them. I swirled the liquor around in my mouth and tried to come up with a few pithy observations.<\/p>\n For almost 50 years now, it occurred to me, our domicile has been an off-and-on hothouse of psychological research and discussion, a venue to talk about good ideas and bad ideas, ideas that made it, ideas that didn\u2019t. Like most other long relationships, our marriage has been a battle of wills and wits, laughter, agreements and disagreements about politics and culture, quiet and contentment, pain, warmth, affection, occasional fury. I don\u2019t have to run a study to tell you that some of what I love best about my husband is, in fact, what can drive me crazy.<\/p>\n I think, too, about marital arguments I\u2019ve won and arguments I\u2019ve lost over the decades we\u2019ve been together. I\u2019ve always loved to win arguments, especially with my husband.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_4,3_4″ admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”4.7.7″ background_image=”https:\/\/writersatlarge.com\/riff\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/pexels-jessica-ticozzelli-4333614.jpg” background_size=”initial” background_repeat=”repeat”][et_pb_column type=”1_4″ _builder_version=”3.25″ custom_padding=”|||” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”3_4″ _builder_version=”3.25″ custom_padding=”|||” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text admin_label=”Text” _builder_version=”4.7.7″ text_text_color=”#ffffff” background_color=”rgba(35,27,0,0.73)” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” custom_margin=”5px||10%||false|false” custom_padding=”5%|5%|5%|5%|true|true”]<\/p>\n But, power grieving\u2014the idea you can manage grief and alter its shape and work through it quickly and maybe even dull its pain\u2014it was one of those arguments I eventually won.<\/p>\n In recent months, though, my husband\u2019s old, discarded idea has had a strange resonance for me. It\u2019s a burr in my mind I can\u2019t quite shake free of.<\/p>\n During these months, I\u2019ve grappled with the most shattering loss of my life\u2014the death of my sister and only sibling. I am now the last survivor of my original family. Night after night, I wander around our apartment, sleepless and searching for something I will always miss. I can\u2019t rest. I just keep moving.<\/p>\n Power grieving, I still maintain, was a wild and ridiculous idea. But good lord, what a solace it would be to me now! In these lonely and restless nighttime hours, I find myself wishing from the bottom of my heart that my husband had been right.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Oh, hell. Out of all our arguments, over all our years of marriage, why did I have to win that one?<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" My husband has always had ideas\u2014lots of ideas. He\u2019s relentlessly curious, willing to pursue any cockamamie theory that intrigues him. These qualities have helped make him a creative and original academic psychologist; they are some of the traits I love best about him but they also make me want to strangle him from time to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":37,"featured_media":52279,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" Somewhere over the years, both of us realized life wasn\u2019t that simple.<\/p>\r\n\u00a0\r\n\r\n[perfectpullquote align=\"right\" bordertop=\"false\" cite=\"\" link=\"\" color=\"#3369B1\" class=\"\" size=\"\"]\"They\u2019ll learn, we murmur to each other, they\u2019ll learn.\"[\/perfectpullquote]\r\n\r\nInstead, these days, we often elbow each other on city streets when we see versions of our younger selves pushing through crowds, far too confident, too convinced of their own importance. They\u2019ll learn, we murmur to each other, they\u2019ll learn. They\u2019ll grow up the way we finally did.\r\n\r\n\u00a0\r\n\r\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/writersatlarge.com\/riff\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/Photo-by-alleksana-from-Pexels-Ruth1-200x300.jpg\")
My husband has always had ideas\u2014lots of ideas. He\u2019s relentlessly curious, willing to pursue any cockamamie theory that intrigues him. These qualities have helped make him a creative and original academic psychologist; they are some of the traits I love best about him but they also make me want to strangle him from time to time.\r\n\r\nIf you\u2019re married or involved with someone, you probably know what I mean. (In fact, if I were an academic psychologist, I\u2019d design a study to see whether what you love best about someone is coincidentally what drives you nuts about him\u2014 especially over the course of a long marriage. But I\u2019m not an academic psychologist.\r\n\r\nI\u2019m a writer. I have opinions. I air them. It\u2019s a lot easier. [perfectpullquote align=\"right\" bordertop=\"false\" cite=\"\" link=\"\" color=\"#3369B1\" class=\"\" size=\"\"]\"I\u2019m a writer. I have opinions. I air them.\"[\/perfectpullquote]\r\n\r\nAnyway, over our 47 years of marriage, one of my husband\u2019s worst ideas was his harebrained theory about controlling grief.\r\n\r\n\u00a0\r\n\r\n\u201cPower grieving!\u201d he announced one night. \u201cThink about it! You could submerge yourself in grief, let it overwhelm you, work through it. It might not have to take that long to get over it and feel better.\u201d\r\n\r\nPower grieving<\/i>? The minute he mentioned that name, I hated it.\r\n\r\n\u201cThat\u2019s the most ridiculous idea I\u2019ve ever heard in my life,\u201d I said. \u201cYou can\u2019t control grief! Grief controls you!\u201d I was furious at him, outraged at his scientific arrogance and illusions.\r\n\r\nHe loved that, of course. My husband has always enjoyed agitating people with his wild ideas\u2014especially me.\r\n\r\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/writersatlarge.com\/riff\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/child-grieving-300x200.jpg\")
\r\n\r\n\u00a0\r\n\r\n\u201cJust think,\u201d he said, \u201ca new widow could start dating again in two weeks\u2014\"\r\n\r\n\u201cThat\u2019s a vile idea! A desecration! Stop it!\u201d\r\n\r\nThis brouhaha<\/em> took place 35 years ago, give or take. It was a noisier, more volatile time in our marriage and our lives. Teeth were bared, voices raised, doors slammed.\r\n\r\n\u00a0\r\n\r\n\u00a0\r\n\r\nLooking back, I\u2019m not quite sure why I was so enraged about power grieving then. I was only in my mid-30s\u2014and what did I know about grief? I\u2019d been disappointed plenty of times, I\u2019d had my adolescent heart bruised and pummeled, I\u2019d been depressed. But real grief, profound grief\u2014wrenching and saw-toothed and life-shattering? It was a distant rumor, a flimsy abstraction, something that had never really touched me.\r\n\r\nBut again, that was a long time ago. I was much younger and the horizons were more distant and I could still see them without bifocals. The years passed, merging into decades.\r\n\r\n\u00a0\r\n\r\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/writersatlarge.com\/riff\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/Seniors-walking-300x199.jpg\")
Power grieving never really panned out\u2014as I\u2019d loudly predicted\u2014but many of my husband\u2019s other ideas were very successful. His research flourished, focusing on writing about traumatic experiences, then exploring how language reflects personality. He traveled widely, lecturing about his work.\r\n\r\nWe both worked hard, we succeeded, we failed, we kept going. Our two kids grew up and left home, we became grandparents, all four of our parents died. We no longer launch into frequent, heated, mutually self-righteous arguments, the way we once did.\r\n\r\n\u00a0\r\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/writersatlarge.com\/riff\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/whiskey-4248993_1920-200x300.jpg\")
\r\n\r\nLast week, I got home from a nighttime class to find my husband had lined up four skinny liqueur glasses with amber-colored liquid inside. \u201cI just bought a bunch of new bourbon,\u201d he said excitedly. \u201cWe need to do a blind taste test to see what we both think.\u201d\r\n\r\nAs a psychologist, he loves blind taste tests. I tolerate them. I swirled the liquor around in my mouth and tried to come up with a few pithy observations.\r\n\r\nFor almost 50 years now, it occurred to me, our domicile has been an off-and-on hothouse of psychological research and discussion, a venue to talk about good ideas and bad ideas, ideas that made it, ideas that didn\u2019t. Like most other long relationships, our marriage has been a battle of wills and wits, laughter, agreements and disagreements about politics and culture, quiet and contentment, pain, warmth, affection, occasional fury. I don\u2019t have to run a study to tell you that some of what I love best about my husband is, in fact, what can drive me crazy.\r\n\r\n\u00a0\r\n\r\nI think, too, about marital arguments I\u2019ve won and arguments I\u2019ve lost over the decades we\u2019ve been together. I\u2019ve always loved to win arguments, especially with my husband.\r\n\r\n\u00a0\r\n\r\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/writersatlarge.com\/riff\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/Photo-by-alleksana-from-Pexels-Ruth-200x300.jpg\")
But, power grieving\u2014the idea you can manage grief and alter its shape and work through it quickly and maybe even dull its pain\u2014it was one of those arguments I eventually won.\r\n\r\nIn recent months, though, my husband\u2019s old, discarded idea has had a strange resonance for me. It\u2019s a burr in my mind I can\u2019t quite shake free of.\r\n\r\nDuring these months, I\u2019ve grappled with the most shattering loss of my life\u2014the death of my sister and only sibling. I am now the last survivor of my original family. Night after night, I wander around our apartment, sleepless and searching for something I will always miss. I can\u2019t rest. I just keep moving.\r\n\r\nPower grieving, I still maintain, was a wild and ridiculous idea. But good lord, what a solace it would be to me now! In these lonely and restless nighttime hours, I find myself wishing from the bottom of my heart that my husband had been right.\r\n\r\nOh, hell. Out of all our arguments, over all our years of marriage, why did I have to win that one?\r\n\r\n\u00a0\r\n\r\n\u00a0","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[9,10],"tags":[63,40,64],"class_list":["post-50328","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-let-there-be-light","category-stranger-than-fiction","tag-aging","tag-grief","tag-psychology"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/writersatlarge.com\/riff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/50328","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/writersatlarge.com\/riff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/writersatlarge.com\/riff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/writersatlarge.com\/riff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/37"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/writersatlarge.com\/riff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=50328"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/writersatlarge.com\/riff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/50328\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/writersatlarge.com\/riff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/52279"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/writersatlarge.com\/riff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=50328"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/writersatlarge.com\/riff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=50328"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/writersatlarge.com\/riff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=50328"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}